


love the stars

by changjaes (moonemoji), moonemoji



Category: BTOB
Genre: M/M, idk if i'm tagging properly it's fine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 23:48:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11428785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonemoji/pseuds/changjaes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonemoji/pseuds/moonemoji
Summary: it's the way you love the stars for shining even when there's traffic in the street, you know? like how it fights to be seen, how it fights to glow even with all those city lights. you can't help it, you just do. you love the stars. it's like that. i can't help it, i just do.





	love the stars

do you love him? ( _doesn't everyone?_ )  
  
why him? ( _it's the way you love the stars for shining even when there's traffic in the street, you know? like how it fights to be seen, how it fights to glow even with all those city lights. you can't help it, you just do. you love the stars. it's like that. i can't help it, i just do._ )  
  
do you write your songs about him? ( _i don't know. i imagine him singing them to me. is that weird? is it weird to imagine him singing me my own songs?_ )  
  
it's not weird. ( _i love him._ )  
  
—  
  
ilhoon replays this conversation in his head about a thousand times while he watches changsub record the demo for the song he just finished yesterday. he was happy changsub agreed to record for this one; sometimes he would be left with one of the other members, or even one of the trainees and they wouldn't do it the way changsub would. perfectly, that is. maybe ilhoon was just biased, maybe changsub just knew what to do with his songs. maybe it was both. well – that, and the fact that ilhoon was in love with him.  
  
_doesn't everyone?_ echoed in ilhoon's thoughts when changsub called his name and brought him out of the thousand and first time of repeating the same conversation he had with hyunsik only last week. he saw the pity in hyunsik's eyes when he said it, but didn't say anything. it's why they were best friends, him and hyunsik; hyunsik knew when to not speak. no one else did. _why pine for someone who has everyone else pining for him – what are the chances he'll choose_ you _?_ that's what everyone else would say, that's what ilhoon read in hyunsik's eyes but pretended he didn't.  
  
he doesn't blame hyunsik or anyone else for thinking that way. he knows it's the truth.  
  
ilhoon's seen the way sungjae and eunkwang and their stylists and other group members have looked at changsub. it's the same way he looks at him, and he only knows this because their manager has taken photos of them for his twitter and ilhoon saw himself looking at changsub like everyone else did. ilhoon didn't want to be everyone else to changsub, the thought itself broke his heart and it was broken too many times for every time he looked into changsub's eyes and didn't see the same look directed at him.  
  
"don't you think so?" changsub asked while taking his seat in the chair next to ilhoon, who had to take a second to realize he wasn't alone.  
  
"don't i think what?" he responded, trying not to pay attention to the fact that changsub's knee was pressed against his.  
  
"that eunkwang would do the beginning part really well. did you assign parts yet?" changsub repeated without questioning where ilhoon had zoned off to; he was used to it by now.  
  
ilhoon nodded but the furrow of his brows gave away his thoughts. no one else could sing the beginning like changsub could, not the middle or the end either. ilhoon wanted this song to be changsub's alone, but he refused to do a solo. he would insist instead that ilhoon follow peniel's footsteps and make a mixtape, or for hyunsik to do a solo, or for minhyuk to release another album as heota. he was never focused on himself.  
  
that's why everyone loved him. he's kind, he's full of love, and everyone wants that love to themselves. but he couldn't ask that of changsub, to be his and his alone. changsub's heart was too big and too full of love to give to only one person.  
  
—  
  
the car was silent as they were being driven home. the streets were dark and most of downtown was sleeping. there wasn't anything lit up except for the occasional flickering red neon signs of convenience stores and gas stations advertising that they were open.  
  
no music played in the car because changsub was sleeping and ilhoon told their manager to keep it silent since he already felt bad for keeping changsub as late as he did.  
  
ilhoon was looking out of the window, trying to find the stars now that there were less lights to drown them out, when he felt changsub's head fall on his shoulder. instantly ilhoon froze and he cursed himself in his now empty cave of a mind for the way his heartbeat sped up. even after four years of skinship and fanservice, he couldn't hide the way his heart raced and his cheeks heated up at even the slightest contact.  
  
ten minutes felt like ten hours but it was what ilhoon needed to calm down, to tell himself that he shouldn't be this nervous. it was changsub. _changsub_. of all the people that he should be nervous around, it shouldn't be him, him who accepted ilhoon in his insecurities and his dreams with smiles and jokes and love and nothing malicious.  
  
ilhoon slid his hand into changsub's and circled his fingers around the unconscious hand. his eyes were fixed on the image of their hands, his thoughts wandering to the times that they've held hands before. while they were walking to a recording, or to their dorm, or to the salon; while they were in a restaurant, while they were watching television, while ilhoon talked about how he thought he was scared to write an entire song alone and that's why he needed hyunsik and his other friends around to make the songs with him, to fix his mistakes.  
  
changsub held his hand then tighter than ilhoon could ever remember. he kept holding it while ilhoon talked and talked about how he wanted to be a good producer but he was too scared to move further than where he was. and changsub held his hand and told him how great his tracks were, how great they would be and how much the melodies would love them, how much he loves them.  
  
ilhoon snapped out of the memories when he felt changsub's fingers curl around his hand. he didn't want to turn his head and see if changsub was looking at him, but he knew that he was, he could feel changsub's eyes on his face, and he didn't want to look back.  
  
he knew that if he looked back he would kiss him and he couldn't kiss him, not with their manager there, not with the fact that he could be rejected and he couldn't handle being rejected, not by changsub, not by him.  
  
so ilhoon closed his eyes and he pretended to fall asleep and changsub squeezed his hand and ilhoon couldn't help but squeeze his hand back.  
  
ilhoon felt the car stop in front of their dorm building and thought to himself that maybe the chances of changsub choosing him were a little higher after tonight.


End file.
